First Touch: Deuce is Loose

The goal that wasn’t. Clint Dempsey, the real American hero, so close to squashing the Italian extremists.

BY RHETT MANUEL

In case you’ve spent the last couple days preparing yourself for the season premiere of “Parks & Recreation” (I’m looking at you Justin,) here’s what you missed in soccer.

– The realest American since Hulk Hogan, Tottenham midfielder Clint Dempsey, made his first start for his new club in a Europa League match again Nazi … err … Lazio. And he scored a goal. Well … almost.

I mean, the ball did end up in the back of the net. But the referee ruled Dempsey onside, which for many may have been a call that found its origin on Planet B.S.

The end result of the match was a 0-0 draw, but one in which AVB spinned into a positive like only Andre Villas-Boas could.

“We played extremely well and we are extremely happy with the effort we put in.” AVB said.

I would also like to note that AVB is still extremely Portuguese, and it extremely bothers me when his dashing 5 o’clock shadow distracts me from good soccer. It gets me extremely flustered, and if you’re extremely disturbed then I apologize. Extremely.

… Extremely?

(Editor’s Note: You forgot a trench coat joke.)

– Nuri Sahin has a secret … and he’s not telling anyone.

No, no … this isn’t a women’s deodorant commercial. This has nothing to do with feminine hygiene (and thank God for that.)

But, the Real Madrid loanee (currently at Liverpool) claims he knows where Brazilian veteran Kaka will be moving in the January transfer window.

“I know he had an offer from Turkish football,” Sahin said.

“And I know what decision he is taking in the winter market, but I cannot reveal that.”

So … that’s it?  I tell you what Nuri, if you want to give us a secret, give us the secret of you’re impossibly perfect coif. Man, that thing is majestic.

– You guys, EMILE HESKEY IS BACK IN FOOTBALL!

The former English international has agreed to terms with Newcastle. Wait, is that misleading?

You mean you weren’t aware of the Newcastle Jets of the Australian A-League?

“This is an exciting new period in my life and I am looking forward to making a special contribution to the A-League and most importantly to the Jets,” Heskey said. “I hope I can help grow football at the grassroots level and also provide advice to young players at the Jets.”

These are awfully modest expectations for a man who as recently as 2010 lumbered around the field in an England kit in the freaking World Cup.

Newcastle Jets coach Gary van Egmond says he believes that The Powerhouse’s biggest asset will be holding the ball up and playing other players on.

Atta boy, GvE. Taper those wild expectations of five goals right on out of your mind.

Rhett Manuel doesn’t hate Emile Heskey. Just the sight of him on a football pitch. Follow Rhett on Twitter @RhettManuel.

UEFADD: Watching Eight CL Matches at One Time

The sixteen teams I attempted to watch at the same time on Wednesday afternoon.

BY JUSTIN FERGUSON

I may have a serious problem.

After flipping back and forth between three different Champions League matches on Tuesday (Real Madrid vs. Manchester City, Borussia Dortmund vs. Ajax, Montpellier vs. Arsenal), I decided to try something a little extreme for today’s action. With my afternoon completely free, I will attempt to watch all eight Champions League matches…at the same time.

Taking full advantage of DirecTV’s UEFA Mix, an eight-way split screen channel showing all of today’s matches, and a less than reputable European streaming site, I will have each game on either my TV or my laptop.

Now you may be asking “Why, Justin, are you doing this to yourself? Your beloved Manchester United club is playing today. Wouldn’t you rather just focus all of your attention on one match?”

Well, dear reader, let me explain:

1. This is the Champions League. Yes, Manchester United is playing at Old Trafford on a weekday when I am at home, but why should I limit myself to just that one game? I will want to know what’s going on between Chelsea and Juventus (kinda), Bayern Munich and Valencia, and Barcelona and whoever they’re crushing at Camp Nou. (Yes, I know, it’s Spartak Moscow, and the game isn’t set in stone.) If I have the capabilities to watch all of these matches at one time, why wait for replays or Twitter updates? It’s the first matchday for half of the teams in the world’s biggest club tournament. I want to know what’s going on the moment it happens.

2. No disrespect to the grand rulers of Turkey, but United is playing Galatasaray. It should be a relatively easy victory for the Red Devils at home. (Now that I say this, SAF will probably trot out a ridiculously weak lineup or our entire backline will collectively tear their ACLs during the first minute…causing Galatasaray to make it scarier than it should be.) If something incredible happens during the Bus Parkers vs. Match Fixers showdown, I don’t want to miss it. And who would want to miss any second of this titanic Shaktar vs. Nordsjaelland matchup? Alright, there was a ton of sarcasm on that last one.

3. For years, American soccer fans didn’t have a chance to enjoy a single Champions League group match on TV, much less all eight at one time. If you would’ve said a decade ago that every single Champions League match would eventually be televised live on satellite in the U.S., you probably would have been called a raving lunatic. I’m not sure how long DirecTV has had this UEFA Mix, but I would imagine that it is fairly new. The demand for live televised soccer in the States has grown tremendously over the years…think about the rise of Fox Soccer, GOLTV, the new beIN Sport and the Premier League slot on ESPN. I’m taking advantage of this opportunity. It’s a great time to be a soccer fan in the United States.

Alright, enough of the intro, let’s get down to my ADD-fueled running commentary!
Continue reading →

From Top to Drop | Week 4

Arsenal got everything right in their big win over Southampton on Saturday.

BY MICHAEL KLINE

The Premier League returned to action on Saturday following a short international break for World Cup 2014 Qualifiers.

The league’s leader, Chelsea, was in action against Queens Park Rangers on Saturday, but Premier League fans were forced to wait until Monday for the best match of the weekend, Everton vs. Newcastle United. There were no other stand-out matchups on the weekend, with most of the “big dogs” playing bottom-half clubs.

Week 4 Winners

Arsenal netted 6 goals against Southampton on Saturday, highlighting our “Winners” section this week. Olivier Giroud was replaced at centre-forward by Gervinho against the Saints, a move that paid off for Arsene Wenger’s side. Gervinho netted his first in the 35th minute, before poaching his second 20 minutes from time, following a spectacular effort from Aaron Ramsey. Southampton’s 2 own goals exaggerated the score-line a bit, although the Gunners did everything right on the day.

Aston Villa earned their first 3 points of the season with an impressive 2-0 victory over Swansea City on Saturday, leaving 7 teams winless, the most ever through 4 match days. Matthew Lowton and Christian Benteke were Villa’s scorers in the match.

André Villas-Boas also recorded his first win as manager of Tottenham with an impressive showing against Reading. Jermaine Defoe scored twice in a 3-1 win at Madejski Stadium.

Week 4 Losers

Liverpool is back in our “losers” section again this week. Rodgers’ squad was able to control the match, yet left the Stadium of Light with a point from a 1-1 draw against Sunderland. With no wins in their first 4 matches, Liverpool have now officially kicked off the 2012/13 PL campaign with their worst start in over 100 years! The Reds’ next match is against Manchester United, at Anfield, so their first victory very well may have to wait until September 29th when they clash with Norwich City.

Southampton sit bottom of the EPL table with a big ole goose egg next to their name. Not only does Southampton not have a single point in the league so far, but also have managed to concede 14 goals in just 4 matches! Who will Southampton finally pick up a point on? Their next 3 matches are against Aston Villa, Everton and Fulham.

Finally, our last “loser” was the officiating crew for the Everton vs. Newcastle match. Their poor decisions to disallow 2 Everton goals have fans once again crying for goal-line technology. The first was an offside call against Marouane Fellaini, when it was in fact a proper goal. The second went against substitute Victor Anichebe whose header cleared the goal line, only for the linesman to rule against a goal. The match concluded 2-2 with Ba equalizing in the 90th minute, just 2 minutes after Anichebe put Everton ahead. When will FIFA learn?

Other Scores:

Norwich City vs. West Ham, 0-0 (Carrow Road)
Fulham vs. West Bromwich Albion, 3-0 (Craven Cottage) Berbatov (32’, 45’ pk), Sidwell (89’)
Manchester United vs. Wigan Athletic, 4-0 (Old Trafford) Scholes (51’), Hernández (63’), Büttner (66’), Powell (82’)
Queens Park Rangers vs. Chelsea, 0-0 (Loftus Road Stadium)
Stoke City vs. Manchester City, 1-1 (Brittania Stadium) Crouch (15’) | Garcia (35’)

Goal of the Week:

Our goal of the week for the 4th match week is Lukas Podolski’s stunning free kick against Southampton. Enjoy!

First Touch: Cue the Epic Champions League Theme

It’s amazing what one little goal can do for a man’s happiness.

BY RHETT MANUEL

In case you missed yesterday’s news watching “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” reruns on your DVR, you best redneck-ognize what you missed in the world of soccer.

– Everyone’s favorite competition, the UEFA Champions League, kicked off it’s group stage yesterday. And in the day’s marquee matchup, Manchester City and Real Madrid faced off.

The teams seemed destined for a 2-2 draw. But, then a relative unknown named Cristiano Ronaldo struck with a late-winner to give the Spanish giants a 3-2 victory.

This marginal-at-best player had recently said he was sad. You couldn’t see it in his face after the goal though. This never-will-be ladies man had a look of pure joy as he gave his squad a vital three points in the group and put the Citizens behind the eight-ball as they next face Borussia Dortmund.

– Meanwhile, as the Emirates turn ….

Arsenal is off to a great start this season and have the look of an early title contender in the Premier League. However, one of the club’s more recognizable figures is in a state of limbo with the Gunner fan base.

Theo “Wide Left/Right” Walcott’s transfer fiasco has manager Arsene Wenger “worried.” The long-time Gunner was greeted to a mixed reaction as he came on as a sub during last Sunday’s rout of Southampton.

Add the fact that Walcott becomes a free agent this summer if he doesn’t sign a new deal, and you have the lastest high-profile player to leave the Gunners at their peak?

Wait … did I just make the mistake of believing Walcott to be a consistent game changer? Forgive me …

– Now, for the Captain Obvious statement of the day: Chelsea midfielder John Obi Mikel said the Blues were “kind of lucky” to win last year’s Champions League.

Calm your laughter. No really … please … for at least a second. Oh, you’re still laughing at Mikel’s understatement? I’ll just have to scream over you then.

BUT JOHN OBI “WAN” (#BermanEPL) MIKEL SAYS HE THINKS THE CLUB CAN WIN IT AGAIN!

But maybe what’s funniest of all is that several football legends are like “Yeah. True, true.” Guys like Gianluigi Buffon and Liverpool legend Graham Souness went with Mikel’s sentiment.

Maybe it’ll take a little more luck for the pea-sized head of Roberto Di Matteo to deliver more magic this year. However …they’re fortunate they don’t do the championship cap thing in Europe. I don’t think they pack children’s sizes for those.

Rhett Manuel is currently obsessed with the Big Sean, Jay-Z & Kanye West song “Clique.” Follow him on Twitter @RhettManuel.

The Beckerman Bowl: K&G Previews USMNT vs. Jamaica

USMNT make their beIN Sport debut tonight in BeckerDreads’ spiritual homeland.

(Ed. Note: Special thanks to our friends at The Shin Guardian for giving us The Beckerman Bowl idea.)

Kyle Beckerman goes to Jamaica. No, this isn’t Spring Break ’07; it’s World Cup qualifying, baby!

The United States has two games scheduled against the Reggae Boyz in a four-day period, September 7 in Jamaica and September 11 at home in Columbus. Jurgen Klinsmann’s 23-man roster didn’t come with many surprises but the inclusion of Josh Gatt excited Americans for a couple of hours, before he pulled out with an injury.

The USMNT is a better team than Jamaica but for one of the few times, the Yanks won’t be the most athletic team on the field. They’ll also be without Landon Donovan and Michael Bradley, two of the most important  players in the pool. The positive thing is that Jozy Altidore is back with the national team after his good start with AZ Alkmaar. Joining him is Kicks and Giggs’ favorite Germerican, Terrence Boyd, Herculez Gomez and the new Tottenham striker, Clint Dempsey.

Jurgen has repeatedly said that he wants the U.S. to play an attacking style of soccer but I would bet that he is a bit more conservative in Jamaica than he will be at home. I also wouldn’t be surprised to see Maurice Edu and Geoff Cameron play some significant minutes again together, even though Carlos Bocanegra will be on the roster. Edu and Cameron played well together in Azteca.

The inclusion of Steve Cherundolo means that Fabian Johnson can play left back where he is more effective. With ‘Dolo and Johnson, the U.S. becomes a much more dynamic team. Both fullbacks offer solid defense and a good option going forward, which will help to keep Jamaica’s speed in check.

If I was in charge, which I’m clearly not:

Derek’s ideal formation.

Gomez and Altidore aren’t typical wingers but Altidore plays out wide for his club team and Jurgen has tried Gomez out wide a few times. Boyd has been on a blistering goal-scoring pace for Rapid Vienna as well.

Beckerman can be counted on to sit in front of the back four and clean up the mess which will allow Jones to run free a bit, hopefully without getting carded, and Dempsey is very good playing off of a striker, though he may not be fit enough for 90 minutes. Jose Torres and Joe Corona are other options there.

The reason I feel comfortable without real wide players is because of the attacking play you get from your wingbacks in this scenario.

Substitutions: Brek Shea for Herculez Gomez – 65th minute; Danny Williams for Kyle Beckerman – 75th minute; Joe Corona/J.F. Torres for Clint Dempsey – 80th minute.

Score prediction:
   
Sept. 7 – Jamaica 0 – 1 USA
Sept. 11 – USA 3 – 0 Jamaica

First Touch: Emo Ronaldo

The multimillion dollar sadness.

BY RHETT MANUEL

In case you were off watching the Democratic National Convention and raising Facebook ruckus over Michelle Obama’s speech (don’t ask), here’s what you missed in the last couple days of soccer:

– Cristiano Ronaldo is moping over that sad, miserable life he leads. (I mean, beautiful women, fast cars, a chiseled physique, dashing good looks, wealthy and plays professional sports for a living … the horror.) But the question is: Why? No one really knows, but speculation is that he was unhappy over his Real Madrid wages. But, CR7 insists that isn’t it. Or, so he said via his Twitter account.

“I am accused of wanting more money, but one day it will be shown that this is not the case. At this point, I just want to guarantee to the Real Madrid fans that my motivation, dedication, commitment and desire to win all competitions will not be affected,” said the Portuguese beef cake/striker.

I guess the only question left is … how long before he resorts to listening to Simple Plan as his pregame jam?

– So, C-Ron is sad … and Cesc Fabregas is angry. Just what are they putting in the waters of Spain?

“This is my frustrated face.”

Anyway, Cesc is angry at his recent sporadic play over at FC Barcelona. He has started ALL THREE La Liga games for the club this season, yet was mad that he was pulled from their last game against Valencia after 63 minutes.

“There’s no such thing as a great substitute in the world of football,” said the 30 million pound signing, who came over from Arsenal. “I always wish my teammates well and put a happy face on,” he said. “If I have to take my unhappy face home then so be it, but I would never let my teammates or manager see it.”

Sure Cesc, because airing out your disappointment in being subbed off is putting on a happy face and not letting your teammates see it.

Cescy, try on some happy feels. Dance to Carly Rae Jepsen. Watch Spongebob. Eat Oreos. BRIGHTEN THE WORLD, BRO. You’ll feel better. Promise.

– Now, from the annals of “Oh, so I’m supposed to care?”…Michael Owen has signed a one-year deal with Stoke City, pending English Premier League approval.

The 32-year-old was recently released by Manchester United. But, there’s one snag to the deal — no one is sure if Stoke provided the required documents for the signature of Owen before or after the 4 p.m. deadline.

The Zookeeper, on the way to his new home.

If he can’t be a striker though, maybe Owen can be a giraffe tamer for the club. With Peter Crouch there, someone must have to feed him, clean him and the like. But for God’s sake, just keep him away from LIverpool, please?

Rhett Manuel is a registered Republican with moderate leanings. He does not support the killing of unborn children, but does think people should love who they choose. Also … he loves to get in the zone, chief. Follow him on Twitter @RhettManuel.

From Top to Drop | Week 3

“Yes! We finally scored!”

BY MICHAEL KLINE

Due to Hurricane Isaac’s pesky stalling in southeast Louisiana last week, a couple of our writers were left without power and the week 2 edition of From Top to Drop was neglected as a direct result of the storm. We apologize for the inconvenience and will be moving straight on to Week 3.

The 2012 summer transfer window slammed shut on Friday, August 31, the day before the start of Match Week 3 in the Premier League. As always, new faces were brought into the league, familiar players were sent the opposite way and even others were shuffled around domestically.

Rafael van der Vaart, Michael Essien, Joey Barton and Nicklas Bendtner all found homes outside of England, while Maicon, Javi García, Hugo Lloris and Gastón Ramírez were all brought into the country on deadline day.

Charlie Adam completed a permanent move to Stoke City, Dimitar Berbatov landed in Fulham, Clint Dempey finally ended his transfer sage with a £6m move to White Hart Lane and Andy Carroll became a Hammer, on loan, as he hopes to find form under manager Sam Allardyce.
Continue reading →