BY RHETT MANUEL
In case you’ve spent the last couple days preparing yourself for the season premiere of “Parks & Recreation” (I’m looking at you Justin,) here’s what you missed in soccer.
– The realest American since Hulk Hogan, Tottenham midfielder Clint Dempsey, made his first start for his new club in a Europa League match again Nazi … err … Lazio. And he scored a goal. Well … almost.
I mean, the ball did end up in the back of the net. But the referee ruled Dempsey onside, which for many may have been a call that found its origin on Planet B.S.
The end result of the match was a 0-0 draw, but one in which AVB spinned into a positive like only Andre Villas-Boas could.
“We played extremely well and we are extremely happy with the effort we put in.” AVB said.
I would also like to note that AVB is still extremely Portuguese, and it extremely bothers me when his dashing 5 o’clock shadow distracts me from good soccer. It gets me extremely flustered, and if you’re extremely disturbed then I apologize. Extremely.
(Editor’s Note: You forgot a trench coat joke.)
– Nuri Sahin has a secret … and he’s not telling anyone.
No, no … this isn’t a women’s deodorant commercial. This has nothing to do with feminine hygiene (and thank God for that.)
But, the Real Madrid loanee (currently at Liverpool) claims he knows where Brazilian veteran Kaka will be moving in the January transfer window.
“I know he had an offer from Turkish football,” Sahin said.
“And I know what decision he is taking in the winter market, but I cannot reveal that.”
So … that’s it? I tell you what Nuri, if you want to give us a secret, give us the secret of you’re impossibly perfect coif. Man, that thing is majestic.
– You guys, EMILE HESKEY IS BACK IN FOOTBALL!
The former English international has agreed to terms with Newcastle. Wait, is that misleading?
You mean you weren’t aware of the Newcastle Jets of the Australian A-League?
“This is an exciting new period in my life and I am looking forward to making a special contribution to the A-League and most importantly to the Jets,” Heskey said. “I hope I can help grow football at the grassroots level and also provide advice to young players at the Jets.”
These are awfully modest expectations for a man who as recently as 2010 lumbered around the field in an England kit in the freaking World Cup.
Newcastle Jets coach Gary van Egmond says he believes that The Powerhouse’s biggest asset will be holding the ball up and playing other players on.
Atta boy, GvE. Taper those wild expectations of five goals right on out of your mind.
Rhett Manuel doesn’t hate Emile Heskey. Just the sight of him on a football pitch. Follow Rhett on Twitter @RhettManuel.